Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
