i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
