mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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