is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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