Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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