a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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