shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
