So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Did you pee in the oven last night??
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
