Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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