My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
