At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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