If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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