And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
