Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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