fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
