Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
