I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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