i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
