I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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