the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
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Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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