I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
