And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
