If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
