I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
