god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
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I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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