I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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