Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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