At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
