i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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