i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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