Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
