i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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