I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
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I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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