He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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