sarcasm needs its own font
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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