The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
