I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
