well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
