I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
