i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
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My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
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It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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