The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
