Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
