Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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