Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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