Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
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Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM