i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
