I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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