i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
