I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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