if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
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Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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