Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
