The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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