A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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