I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
