He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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