you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
