PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
