The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
